I Was Wrong (Divorce)

I still feel every emotion that I felt those few years ago when I pounded out those posts to my invisible audience. Every passionate stand against sin, every painful heartbreak over failed relationships, every joyful song over the love I felt as I typed out “Abba”…

It feels like a lifetime ago. I have some things to say that may contradict my previous writings… but life is a bit of a contradiction. With that, we might as well get right to the point:

                I married a guy I’d bumped into a few times at Christian camps. Honestly? I thought he wasn’t too bad looking and then I went on with my life. I didn’t care. My head and heart was set on God and if he wasn’t showing any real interest in me, I wasn’t going to bother much with it.

About two years later, I was in a bad spot with my faith. I contacted him to answer questions for a school paper and didn’t have my guard up anymore. It wasn’t that many dates later that we were a couple. I hadn’t even adjusted to calling him my boyfriend before we were engaged, and two months after that we shot-gunned it at a courthouse.

The first year we were married, I went through depression. I don’t mean the depression I thought I went through in HS, I mean the depression you see on TV commercials and hear about people struggling with. However, I didn’t open up about it until the fog finally cleared. I knew I married the wrong guy and instead of letting God use the situation, I let myself go. I’m sure this was partially why my marriage took such a bad turn… of course there was a lot of things that he did to wreck the foundation we both tried to stand on.

At the end of the day we both played a part in a bad relationship. We were two people, unequally yoked, who rushed God’s most precious union. You don’t realize why God warns us to stay away from people who do not share a similar faith… but now I do. I learned that lesson the extremely hard way.

                We were so toxic. All he wanted was to make me happy. All I wanted was his time. All he knew to do was work and hang out with friends. All I knew to do was clean and wait at home. I wanted to go out and experience life. He never wanted to leave town for a weekend. You get what you put into a relationship and everything we were throwing in was making poison.

 Two and half years of more bad times than good and we bought a house together; an attempt to start over. He told me I was doing amazing. I really was trying. I seen those bad ingredients we had been putting in to each other and I was trying to change up the recipe! I was trying to make something lasting.

Time takes a toll on a person though and I believe my ex-husband was worn thin. Life hadn’t gone the way he had anticipated and he stopped adding to the bowl. You can’t make anything with only half the ingredients.

One whirlwind night led to me packing what I could of my things and moving to be with my family in the South. A marriage that had been lifeless, Godless, and stressful… led to a sigh of relief when we both said “Divorce.”

                I still believe wholeheartedly in healthy marriages. I believe that marriage shouldn’t have to be the battleground, but the safe harbor. I believe it’s the place two people who adore each other run when life is too much. I believe it’s the safety net when the world is full of critics. I believe marriage is about best friends sharing in life experiences together and are able to be excited about it!

I look forward to have that one day. I even hope that my ex-husband finds that someday! Going through a divorce has not made me bitter towards him or marriage, it’s made me better. It’s given me a new light to look at the world in. Another reason to let go and live in the moment; a new reason to look at the cup half-full! I believe that life is meant to be lived and that everything we go through serves a purpose.

I was so scared that leaving my spouse would mean everyone would look down on me. I was worried that God would reject me after the many times I had promised Him I would never give up. I was terrified of doing things on my own.

Then I realized that anyone who looked down on me didn’t know me; or else they would have known how hard it is for me to make that kind of choice. Then I realized that God is for me, always for me. That His love goes beyond something as human as divorce. Then I realized that I get to find myself and a new passion for what I want to do with my life.

Then I realized I get to start over. I think the most beautiful thing about life is that we can get back up from falling down. I understand now that divorce is sometimes necessary… I used to think God would so turn away if I chose divorce, but instead He was the arms I could turn in to. I’m okay with being wrong and human, if it means that God is always there to be right and loving.